langwidere: a cintia dicker editorial (diet coke makes you beautiful)
I can’t get my Kindle to work. Well, I mean, I can get it to work, but I don’t know what it’s doing. I have somehow managed to use it to purchase The Collected Works of Jane Austen, though, so that’s probably not a good sign.

I made this with IOGraph:

It is cool!

Here is a link to the sort of competent, even-handedly critical movie review I am incapable of producing — in this case, specifically because I had no idea any of this stuff was happening at any level of the text. Deep down in my doughty Amurrkin heart I honestly do not believe that there are now (nor were there ever) people in the world who are analogous to Malfoys. To me, the Malfoy family are figures of such uniquely baroque, decorative absurdity that I have little use for them beyond watching fan-authors play Barbie games with their dirty parts. Anyway, this essay is really, really excellent, and I even liked Cristopher Hitchens's linked review, which is nearly miraculous given its origins.

(Hitchens is the world-class dickhead/idiot who wrote that deplorable article in Vanity Fair about how women aren't funny, because of the Holy Uteri, or something, and horseshoe teeth. I later saw the interview he gave to Charlie Rose about his cancer/latest autobiography, and alas! He did not come off as the uncomplicated doucheface I was expecting to see. I mean, he is politically sophomoric, and he loves Tony Blair and he hates Bill Clinton and he believes in 'honor' [?] and in the notion that war is something the Big Boys simply must do when called upon by destiny to liberate the downtrodden, whether the downtrodden are into it or not, which aaaaaaaaaagh. Aaaagh, man. But! While I still would not want him on my Quiz Bowl team, I'm not as interested in seeing him publicly defenestrated.) (Also he is a famous and irascible atheist, which is kind of cute.)

This review, which describes and then demolishes the unwatchableness of the Watchmen movie, is also the sort of thing I am incapable of producing. Mostly because I lack, um — stamina? That's the one.

(I think that Watchmen is unfilmable because it is already more or less a dismantled movie, presented shot-for-shot in the guise of a comic book, and it can go just that far and no farther without becoming something very unlike itself — so "filming" Watchmen, as such, is a bit like trying to make a movie out of, like, real life crime-scene photos. Or this. It already happened!)

January is National Appreciate Some People Who Are Way Smarter Than You Month, though, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to show a little love.

Oh! Also, too — speaking of admirable smart people, Helen posted a new fic! It's alternative-universe baby Kirk/Spock, but I don't see why that should stand in the way of your enjoying it as much as I did.
FUN FACT: The very first slash fanfic I ever read, way back in, like, 1998, was Kirk/Spock. It was not quite so good as this one, let me tell you. I think they had sex, at one point, on the bridge. And giggling may have been involved (not mine) :[

1. I would shank a bitch to get to see this. Arcadia is my favorite play.
2. Weird, but funny.
3. This Is My Taste In Women: Socially-acceptable proxies of naked WASPy teenaged boys, with freckles! Looking at that many photos of anemic, nekkid white chix will give you snowblindness, dude. Also: Gross!

Now I'm going to stop posting every 48 hours and go back to the naked-man comics. Don't cry, don't cry! You'll ruin your make-up.

ETA: YAAAAAAAAY!! (h/t The Brit List)
langwidere: the everything is terrible logo (everything really is terrible)
For some reason — and despite the fact that it is officially the Future, now — we are entering a new ring of the never-ending Circus of Hurrrr! that is the perpetual attempts by various idiots to censor Huckleberry Finn. The latest assault has been launched, apparently, by some sort of professor or something — and they must not be making professors like they used to when I was a kid, because all my English professors were a minimum of 113 years old and they could not have been persuaded, ever, singly or as a group and even upon pain of death, to strike so much as one unnecessary "as" out of the Introduction to Grammatical Principles. Which is what God intended them to do; professors profess, they do not edit for fucking content. But, whatever. Look the story up yourself, it gives me an unwieldy and massive sad.

I understand that people don’t want to look at the word "nigger." I don’t want to look at the word "nigger," either — but, you know, probably the best way to stop being forced to look at the word "nigger" over and over is to make as many people as possible read Huckleberry Finn, unaltered and unabridged. Censorship, no matter how noble its intentions, doesn’t change history. (This is what we’ve been trying to tell Texas all along, you guys. You’re setting a bad example.)

What are we gonna take out next? The bigwords? The prejudicial representations of white Southern characters? The unvarnished portrayal of the horrifying effects of ignorance and poverty? Twain’s loathing for the British aristocracy? References to smallpox? And witchcraft? Should we turn Huckleberry into a middle-class female child, maybe? And Jim into her speech therapist? Because you can de-nigger the shit out of the book if it makes you feel better about yourself and your worthless white ancestors, but I want to see what’s left when you’ve gotten rid of all the rest of the objectionable content.

Because that’s what Huckleberry Finn is, you know: It is a novel-length objection to America, and to mankind. It is a perfectly-shaped literary weapon of perfectly-placed hatred and grief and rage. And as far as I’m concerned, if you touch so much as one comma, for any reason, you are Hitler.

As an American citizen, you are not allowed to hide from your own fucking history. If it’s so bad that you have to edit it to be able to stomach it, the primary problem is not the word "nigger," or any word at all, actually. The problem is that you are a fucking coward who has confused being offended with being injured. The word "nigger" didn’t make it into Huckleberry Finn by accident. It is not an embarrassing defect of Huck’s patois. Twain wanted you to read the book and squirm. He wanted you, the reader, to see how civilization turns every man that fits into it and keeps his head down and follows the rules and goes to church and believes in the importance of hard work and community spirit into a slave-owner or a murderer or an even worse variety of monster. You, the reader, are supposed to be appalled by the word "nigger." You are supposed to be appalled by American culture. You are supposed to be appalled by the vicious, conventional evils of humankind. You are supposed to be appalled by yourself.

You ought to crawl out of that book, heavy-hearted, burdened with all of Twain’s fatal sorrow and endless anger, and with some of your own to boot — and if you can’t or you don’t, then you might as well censor not just "nigger," but every other word in the English language. None of them will ever do you any good, anyway.


langwidere: sailor moon, sailor mars, and sailor mercury (ラブリイー)
I had a very nice Christmas — I got a new baby Kindle, a Threadless teeshirt which is not overtly humiliating, and a giant amazing Hokusai book that I have been humping nonstop since I unwrapped it. So, during Christmas, I had the fun — but after Christmas I was forced, by the Politeness Monster (and also the Obligation Monster), to visit some of my adoptive father’s relatives, who somehow always manage to make me feel as though I am the Venus Hottentot and they are all positively astonished I can use my silverware so adeptly. This is no mean feat, considering the intensity of my personal dorkiness. (They are, on average, essentially the figures depicted in American Gothic; when my father’s father was alive, my father’s sister asked my mother to keep me away from him because my blackness made him "uncomfortable.") (Really!) (I didn’t find that out until a couple of years ago, because naturally Mom was too awesome to let something so stupid affect me at the age of eight.) (She did keep me away from the weird old idiot for clearly related reasons, however.)

I'm not getting you down at all, am I? Don't take it personal. I was the designated excuse-generator on this particular excursion; I agreed to accompany my father (who hates his family, of course) specifically in order to feign illness and get everybody out several hours early. I am the very soul of self-sacrifice! Don't I know it.

I watched some things!

Should I cut? It's pretty long; I’ll cut.

But everything you learn there will help when you return there. )

Hey, I am retarded and I like children's movies! I think that goes without saying, though. Adult movies are insultingly loud and misogynistic, or insufficiently full of Alan Rickman as Hwæt the pansermøøse, or boring pointless depressing love stories about long-dead dumb white people who wrote lovely poetry and made pretty hats but failed to notice that they were all going to die sooner or later anyway, so please stop crying already. I mean, come on, lady — what are you, a talking animal? Now, they have real problems.
langwidere: aisling and pangur bán (you must go where i cannot)
I don’t want to talk about Christmas right now, because it was a little depressing, and right now I am ENRAGED. WHY AM I ENRAGED, YOU ASK? WELL, THIS IS WHY. I THINK YOU DONE JUST SLAPPED ALL THE CUSSWORDS RIGHT OUT MY MOUTH, THE BBC. SHIT.

Here is a physical representation of my boredom, in HTML code, with musical numbers:
(It doesn't have musical numbers.)
Too bored to think up cut text. )

Lastly, many really awesome and apparently insane people visit my website!

In other news! IN OTHER NEWS, Legolas will appear in The Hobbit, which is only right and fitting given that part of the story takes place in Mirkwood, and he is the prince of that country. (Haha, I have been reading Narnia! Can you tell?) I am deeply alarmed by the fact that McKellen hasn’t signed on to be Gandalf again, however, and I will probably stampede later. All by myself. For great justice.

Please, man. Gandalf is the closest a dork will ever get to having a personal relationship with God.
You have to!
langwidere: utena’s hand and anthy’s hand and a rose between them (just a long long time)

langwidere: sherlock holmes and dr. watson, from the recent bbc series (totally going for the kiss)
I just emerged from one of those endless related-image spirals at Ffffound. [*BLINKS*]

Nnnnerd. )

Anyway, I have just updated my translation of Rashoumon to accommodate Jamie’s incredible suggestions, so it is much, much better now than it was. By miles. Naked-man comics, here I come! (In a manner of speaking.)

DreamWidth keeps giving me codes, even though nobody I know wants them. Do you want them? Do you know anybody who wants them? If no one wants them I’ll post them to [site community profile] dw_codesharing.

I recently started following this tumblr, because it has photos of bunnies and cakes and retarded-looking himegyaru who have voluntarily disfigured themselves with adult-sized Hello Kitty toddler rompers and circle lenses. Um. Does that title say "kanji kana mixed sentence"? Why would it say that? Is that some famous quote from a movie or something? Because that would be kind of hot.

Almost Christmas!
langwidere: watanuki and doumeki from xxxholic linking arms (death becomes you)
ONCE UPON A TIME, when I was first into Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell five or so years ago, I went, like, fullmetal Yorkshire for several consecutive months. This was very tragic, but also hilarious, so good times, kind of. When I was Yorkshiring to beat the band, I made a kind of cake called a "lardy cake," which I read in a book somewhere people in Yorkshire used to eat a lot during the 19th century. Probably not, whatever. Not important. The important part is that, despite the fact that lard is the most disgusting substance known to man, lardy cake is really, really delicious. So, I made many lardy cakes, and then (coincidentally?) I got really, really sick, found out I couldn’t eat wheat, and cried a lot because I am a sissyass-baby lady who really likes pasta. Since then, I have found equally good or even better replacements for most of the foods I used to like (especially pasta!), but no matter what I could not make a gluten-free lardy cake. My first attempt was appropriated by the Department of Defense for use in counter-terrorism measures, because it was dense enough to qualify as a murder weapon. My next three attempts fell apart. The next one tasted like sand with dried fruit in it. After that, I made one that was so sticky that it appeared to have been mixed together with glue. I made several more attempts, all of which were memorably inedible for different but very heart-breaking reasons. Then I gave up (and cried a little bit). Then, just last week, my mother said: "Maybe the problem is the way you’re baking it? Gluten-free baked goods don’t usually do well in deep, narrow baking pans." And I thought: HALLELUJAH! YOU HAVE A POINT THERE, MOM! And then I got out a couple of gluten-free cookbooks, mixed up some recipes, and invented these things.

They are lardy cupcakes.

CAVEAT #1: Possibly you should not take dietary advice from a person whose vitamin D level was recently 9? (Out of 40-50.)

CAVEAT #2: I have made, like, sixty-three batches of the lardy cupcakes in the last two weeks. I even made a "vegetarian" version with Crisco, soy yoghurt, and egg replacer for my little teenage cousins, who have recently become obstreperous vegetarians. These will work with any kind of fat that is solid at room temperature, including (probably) coconut oil. Also, they are not very good for you. Just saying.

CAVEAT #3: These cupcakes contain oat flour, which doesn’t give me trouble — even my mother, who has a hardcore wheat allergy (her airways begin swelling shut the minute she eats even a little wheat) can eat these — but it might bother you, especially if you are a true celiac. If you can’t eat oats, any other robust, crunchy gluten-free grain would probably work, but I haven’t tested any others yet.

CAVEAT #4: These are not proper lardy cakes, which are not iced and which are actually a kind of yeast bread.

Recipe & photos below cut! )

If you have a wheat- or gluten-intolerant friend or relative who has resigned her or himself to eating only plain chocolate and candy canes at Christmas, and you make that person these cupcakes, they will, I promise, suddenly like you a whole lot more. Possibly they will even attempt to have you canonized. The world looks like a much happier place when viewed from behind a Christmas cupcake :]
langwidere: sailor moon, sailor mars, and sailor mercury (ラブリイー)

From Noki: BAHAHAHAHA! Now Little Buddha will finally have some competition! (I used to own Little Buddha on VHS, incidentally.)

This is America, son! Where all the illiterate assholes are free — as assholes, and maybe, all creatures should be.


langwidere: characters from gundam 00 (mighty hermaphrodite)

Top is the gazing balls in the yard. Bottom is the honeysuckle bower. Snow = pretty.
(Forgive the lack of straightness in the viewport; I am a terrible photographer.)

I guess I got the name of the protagonist in Rashoumon wrong; it’s actually "Menial." Hahaha! Ha? Just me? Sorry.

Some traditional Christmas links:
» Na Wong created this awesome Safari Extension, which single-handedly brings Google Reader out of 2006. Also, they’ve ported Reeder to the big OS, and you can download and use the beta right now. (I’m sticking with NNW for the moment; it is a clunky but functional behemoth.)
» I really like this DIY mason-jar chandelier, and if I weren’t practically guaranteed to burn down my house in the process I would try and make it.
» Yeah, that’s pretty much how I’d review it too.
» Your traditional Christmas Lucius Malfoy interview.
» The next time you see some libertardian jackhole talking about how hatecrime legislation is like totally criminalizing thought! in blog comments somewhere, hit the fucker with this. And then remind him that even after Atlas shrugs he will still never get laid, because he is a greasy loser who mistakenly believes that people who can sometimes fix computers are "producers."
» I wish all Blind Items went down like this :[

Seven days! Eeeee!
langwidere: two characters from a gay-themed web comic embracing (melons in love)
I updated my site!
1. I completely revamped Warn the Duke, edited and improved all the articles (including thinking up proper titles for them), and made a real layout. Which I actually like!
2. I posted my translation of Ryuunosuke Akutagawa’s Rashoumon — which took me six weeks to complete! And which utterly sucks! But at least it’s finished! Surprise!! I bet you didn’t really think I could read Japanese, did you? Hm? Hm?
3. I added a paragraph about Draco Malfoy to the Harry Potter article.
4. I also invented a new word, "hexenschmerz" (which might mean 'magic pain' in German, possibly), to describe the feeling of being disappointed by a fantasy epic. You’re welcome!
5. I revamped my fanlist page.
6. I edited all my Cynn Corvus articles.
7. I made a new layout and added two new entries to HE KINDLY STOPPED FOR ME.
8. New index page!
9. Put up a pageholder for The Heart Goes 9, which is the first act in the elaborate ritual I perform before actually hoisting up some new content.

I’m gonna take a break for Christmas, but my next update will be the launch of The Heart Goes 9, which will feature as few as three or as many as five completed BL manga translations. My plan is to devote myself entirely to comics for the next few months, and then start on whatever that new Susanna Clarke site will be called. Once it’s up, I’ll just cycle through updates there and at HE KINDLY, interspersed with bi-weekly translation additions, until both sites are finished and I’ve accumulated a huge pile of comic scripts. And then, you know, Satan will lose his first snowball fight, leading to discord among the ranks of the damned, which will ultimately result in a total revolt — at which point the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride out, signaling the end of the world. Because, honestly. I don’t really do "plans." Ugh! So pedestrian. So touristy.

Um. I have the Garner & Tolkien article about ¼ finished, and the Sense & Sensibility review about ⅓ finished, so I’ll probably be posting them in 2012, after the world ends early next year.

Also! Also, I sent off approximately half of my Christmas cards! Am I awesome, or what?
langwidere: the statue of liberty (and her name mother of exiles)
Yeah, you can just forget all about the role that stupid Winston Churchill fucker played in aiding the Allies during WWII. Totally irrelevant. I refuse to see this movie! I refuse. I will not feel sorry for the fucking King of England. No. Not even if he looks like Colin Firth. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME SO DON’T EVEN TRY.

Speaking of which: Did you know that there are battling 'Groom of the Stool' articles on Wikipedia? This is the sort of thing I keep track of, apparently. And who wrote them, anyway? Jeeves? "The Groom of the Stool was the most intimate of a monarch's courtiers, whose physical intimacy naturally led to him becoming a man in whom much confidence was placed by his royal master, and with whom many royal secrets were shared as a matter of course." Royal secrets = farts.

I was going to update today, but I have one straggling article. Tomorrow, then!
(When I’m on the computer, nobody can tell I’m not "studying" and so everyone leaves me alone. ♥)

All your Christmas cards and gifts will be late! That’s how you know it’s me.